oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
