All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
