I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We left an ass print on the piano.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
