remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude i'm inner monologue high
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
