Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
