I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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