My underwear smells like fireworks.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
did you just send me my own nude
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
