I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
