I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
