I've blown a few things in my day
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
please don't ironically join a cult
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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