I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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