It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
