there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
