Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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