just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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