??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
