u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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