Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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