seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
