Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
