All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Couch. On fire.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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