Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
