Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We left the knife in your bed.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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