How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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