he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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