your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
