Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
