Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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