I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
