the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
and you fell through a lawn chair
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
