Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
