I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
