That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
