I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
