and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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