dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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