I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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