Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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