I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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