Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
