Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
