Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
