Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
