I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
