You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
