I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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