Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
