so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
