I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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