seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
