my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
