Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
