an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
